the lads

I'm as sick as a small hospital.

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child.

She'd feed ten calves and still have enough milk for the creamary.

You're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack.

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup.

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician.

As funny as a burning orphanage.

He's so camp, he shits tent pegs.

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes.

I feel like a boiled shite (hungover).

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress.

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn.

As busy as the Dalkey dole office.

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit.

As tight as a nun's knickers.

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn.

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers.

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house.

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

I left her with a face like a painters radio.

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard.

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche.

Not even the tide would take her out.

Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her.

Daz wouldn't shift her.

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her.

A sniper wouldn't take her out.

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle.

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one.

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle.

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede.

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall.

Give her a boot in the arse and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her.

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I'm not even supposed to be here today.

forgot to put in the one that was well used on easter monday:

"happier than a dog with two mickeys"

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I'm not even supposed to be here today.