the lads

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would
take off her knickers and use them. Her friend however was wearing a
rather expensive pair of knickers and did not want to ruin them. She was
lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, So she wiped with that. After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
Normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm Starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no knickers
!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a
card stuck up her bum that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

_________________
I'm not even supposed to be here today.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish........................................49
Adventurous...................................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............................Ugly
Beautiful.....................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure............................On medication
Feminist......................................Fat
Free spirit...................................Junkie
Friendship first..............................Former prostitute
Fun...........................................Annoying
New Age.......................................Body hair in the wrong
places
Old-fashioned.................................No BJs
Open-minded...................................Desperate
Outgoing......................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................................Sloppy drunk
Professional..................................Bitch
Voluptuous....................................Very Fat
Large frame...................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged, masculine features.

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set
on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up
his ass.

_________________
I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Oh so true!!!!
GAA from Martin Breheny of the Independent.

My sister took an English relation to a club game of ours many years ago. During the course of the game, when things weren't going too well for one of our corner backs, a woman in the crowd was shouting: "Take that useless c**t off, he's good for nothing".
Needless to say, the English relation was horrified at such a remark and tried to reason with the lady saying: "There's no need for that language, I'm sure you wouldn't like someone saying those things about your son "to which she replied:
"sure, the useless c**t is my son!"

**************************

I was at an Armagh match in the early 90s with a neighbour of mine
who's loud by nature but is particularly vocal at matches (a bit rough around the edges you might say). Anyway, he took particular
umbrage at one particular Armagh player who wasn't having a great
game. At one stage he shouts out the name of the player and roars:
"if they won't take you off, for f**ks sake, walk Off!"

*****************************

Didn't hear this one myself, but the great Willie Joe Padden told
me it at last years Mayo v Galway match from an ould fella behind him. Just after Conor Mortimer missed the change with the free, he stood up screaming: "Jesus, if Lee Harvey Oswald had been from Mayo, JFK'd be alive and kicking!"

******************************

A barrell of a man who was very much involved in Laois GAA was at
a junior football match in Abbeyleix one night, and he went on just to make up numbers (jersey pulled on, playing with the socks around the trousers and someone else's boots). Anyway, he was running around but the low stature was telling and one of the lads shouted at him: "For f**ks sake Sabu (his nick name), will you go up for the ball to which he replied: "sure I'm not a f**king eejit, won't it come down to me!"

*********************************

At a reserve game in Co. Derry, one team who had only the bare
fifteen trotted off at the break getting pretty badly beaten. Johnny at full forward was having a nightmare.... here is part of the half time talk:
Manager: "Johnny, you're coming off."
Johnny: "but we only have the bare 15."
[short pause]
Manager: "come off anyway."

**********************************

Galway minors played KK in the All-Ireland semi-final in '88. The
cats (Carey, Ronan, O'Neill, Carter, etc.) were walking it. Ronan was injured in the second half and the Kilkenny doc was stitching him on the field. As the time went on, a disgruntled Galwayman shouts: "If ye don't hurry up, he'll be over age!"

***********************************

At a minor league game a couple of years ago, our manager was giving the usual f**king and blindin' to us when a spectator said to him over the fence:
"Don't be so ignorant....(short pause)....
ye big fat f**ker ye."

************************************

Nice Tipperary one. Workmates console Eddie Tucker after Tipp are
demolished by Clare and he's had a bad day: "don't worry about it
Eddie, it wasn't your fault, it's the fecin eejits that picked ya."

*************************************

Another classic I've been told involves the Ballygar-St. Brendan's hurling club in Galway where a major dispute reared it's head at the AGM. The chairman is reportedly a straight-talking bachelor of questionalbe diplomacy. Amidst the row, a newly appointed priest took the floor commenting on now the GAA should be a focal point for the 2 parishes, not a source of argument. He continued on about how everyone should pull together for the good of the club and see the club as a unifying force. The chairman stood up and said: "Thanks a lot for that now Father, but that's the kind of shite that sickens my hole."