the lads

Symptoms of being over 25

1 You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2 You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going
clubbing.

3 You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start
dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4 Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property
section.

5 You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6 Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

7 Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them
because they'll be all right for the garden.

8 You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

9 You start to worry about your parents' health.

10 You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you
know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and
anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

11 Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy
costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12 You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace
and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your
child.

13 Pop music all starts to sound crap.

14 You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

15 You always have enough milk in.

16 To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and
franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not
turned into your parents.

17 The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

18 You wish you had a shed.

19 You have a shed.

20 You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when there were only 2 TV channels" and "Of
course, in my day...."

21 Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,
you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

22 When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging
baskets.

23 You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and
the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are
but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have
kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and
incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall
forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a
swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of
stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if
you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...

24 You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

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I'm not even supposed to be here today.