What do women want? It's a question that men and advertisers alike have been struggling with for hundreds of years. According to many females, what they truly desire is a sensitive man. Fair enough, but how much blatant girliness can you get away with before others start thinking of you as a prancing, show tune-singing nancyboy?
Check your inner John Wayne at the door as we examine what you can get away with and what you can't…
1. Cooking
It's acceptable to: Prepare and cook a meal.
It's too much if you: Routinely bake triple-layer cakes and gingerbread men. When it comes to cooking, you're better off preparing manly foods like steak, ribs and, whenever possible, Wooly Mammoth. Let's be honest: If a meal isn't capable of simultaneously clogging all of your arteries, it certainly isn't worth consuming.
2. Dancing
It's acceptable to: Know how to dance well or suggest taking classes with your girlfriend.
It's too much if you: Take classes on your own. When it comes to dancing, three simple rules apply: 1) Never be the first one on the dance floor, 2) Never dance with your buddies, and 3) Never look like you're trying too hard. If you're likely to forget any of the preceding rules, simply stay at your bar stool and refrain from getting within 10 feet of the floor at all times. Seriously, the world has already seen quite enough of your running man-robot combo.
3. Discussing men's looks
It's acceptable to: Acknowledge that you can find certain men attractive.
It's too much if you: Discuss specifics. There's nothing wrong with thinking Brad Pitt is handsome, but under no circumstances should you tell your buddies you think he has the best ass in Hollywood. When discussing other men, it pays to be vague.
4. Consuming girly drinks
It's acceptable to: Know how to prepare one or two girly drinks for your female friends.
It's too much if you: Drink those cocktails yourself. Downing the occasional tutti-frutti beverage is acceptable, but don't expect to be invited back if you start sipping Pink Ladies during poker night with the boys.
5. Crying
It's acceptable to: Cry during a funeral.
It's too much if you: Cry while watching Oprah or any film starring Bette Midler and Barbra Streisand. You're a man, for God's sake; the only three times in your life it's acceptable to cry are 1) When a relative dies, 2) When you get hit in the nuts with a softball, and 3) During the final football sequence of Rudy. Otherwise, keep your waterworks to yourself.
6. Grooming
It's acceptable to: Groom yourself.
It's too much if you: Get your eyebrows plucked professionally. A little manscaping is important. After all, you don't want to be responsible for false Sasquatch sightings every time you go to the beach. However, under no circumstances should you own more beauty products than your girlfriend.
7. Knowing about fashion
It's acceptable to: Have some fashion knowledge, even about women's fashion.
It's too much if you: Know precisely where to find Prada's new Fuchsia Satin Evening Bag. Generally speaking, men who know information like that also know their own dress size. Unless you work in the fashion industry, you're better off committing that part of your brain to memorizing college football stats and cheesy pickup lines.
8. Caring about personal hygiene
It's acceptable to: Take a shower at least once a day.
It's too much if you: Own your own shower loofah. In fact, it's too much if you can even spell "loofah." God gave you two hands and a bar of Irish Spring for a reason. Now use them!
9. Practicing yoga
It's acceptable to: Take yoga classes.
It's too much if you: Insist on wearing a unitard... that you designed. Unless you're a professional contortionist or an Olympic gymnast, there's no reason why you should be able to pass your body through the head of a tennis racket. Women are flexible so we don't have to be.
10. Dieting
It's acceptable to: Go on a diet to shed unwanted pounds.
It's too much if you: Make others suffer by stocking your fridge only with light beer. Come on; just because you're on a diet doesn't mean your friends and family have to pay the price. Do unto others as they would do unto you and spring for a sixer of Heineken.
11. Gossiping
It's acceptable to: Exchange a few stories around the water cooler.
It's too much if you: Let the gossip veer away from the topics of sports or last night's episode of Entourage. Real gossip is for typing pools and knitting circles. If you have something to say, just say it. And then be prepared to run. After all, there's no need to take a beating just because you had an opinion to express.
12. Wearing jewelry
It's acceptable to: Accessorize to compliment your look.
It's too much if you: Wear more jewelry than your date. When it comes to accessories, no woman wants to be upstaged. So go easy on the bling before you start resembling a poor man's Liberace.
13. Hanging out with the boys
It's acceptable to: Enjoy spending time with your buddies.
It's too much if you: Always go to the washroom in groups. Men, more so than women, need to assert their independence. Show your buddies you respect their space by giving them five minutes of privacy. Besides, what were you going to do in there? Help them shake?
14. Being interested in women's issues
It's acceptable to: Take a Women's Studies class to strategically pick up women.
It's too much if you: Are actually interested in the subject matter. Oh, sure, it might seem innocent enough, but before you know it, you could be planning an insidious feminist movement with your fellow classmates. Besides, the type of woman who attends classes like that already has a girlfriend.
15. Shopping
It's acceptable to: Enjoy the occasional shopping spree.
It's too much if you: Nearly faint with excitement every time you spot a shoe sale. For the love of God, hold yourself together -- it's just patent leather. The only time the words "half off" should get you hot and bothered is when they're uttered in a strip club.
16. Watching chick flicks
It's acceptable to: Enjoy Sandra Bullock.
It's too much if you: Can quote dialogue from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. The same holds true for How to Make an American Quilt and Dirty Dancing. In fact, the only chick flick you should be even remotely familiar with is Casablanca.
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