the lads

you can be guaranteed that you will see each of these events take place over the next six weeks of the world cup. see how long it takes to check off each item on the list:

Stretcher being run onto the pitch only for 'seriously injured' player to undergo magical recovery.

Scotsman wearing Trinidad/Sweden/Paraguay shirt.

David Pleat mispronouncing the names of either 'Vieira' or 'Vieri'.

An Italian player apparently praying to the referee.

A Johnny Foreigner waving an imaginary card to the referee.

Gary Lineker looking smug.

Sven-Goran Eriksson looking uneasy during the national anthem.

Thierry Henry shrugging his shoulders.

A Frenchman in the crowd holding a cockerel.

A Dutchman with an orange painted face.

A Scandinavian fan donning a Viking helmet.

Being told by the commentator this free-kick is in 'Roberto Carlos range'.

A Union Jack flag unveiled at an England match emblazoned with the name of a club such as Shrewsbury or Torquay.

Close-up of attractive Brazilian girl in crowd.

African team's defending described as "naive".

Reports of being England being 'drunk dry' due to World Cup mania.

Beer can hats.

Inflatable/foil World Cups being waved in the crowd.

A commentator noting that a player has been linked with a move to Chelski.

Local bar decked out in the colours of a random country's fans who have made it their home.

African player going AWOL within two days of getting knocked out.

A close-up of each of the following: Pele, Beckenbauer, Platini.

German police being described as 'heavy-handed' after giving drunken fans a damn good kicking.

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I'm not even supposed to be here today.