the lads

Why is it that the queue I'm in is always the slowest one to move?

Why has a dictionary got numbered pages?

Why do people always look so surprised when asked to pay for their shopping in the supermarket?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Barry's Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If Irish mothers use little knives and forks to feed their kids, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

What would the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Whatever happened to Preparation A to G?

Do people who spend €2 on a little
bottle of water know that spelling "Evian" backwards
read "Naive?"

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Are any of those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets really dressed up as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

Rules Men Wished Women Knew

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat backside in a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: An amazing mechanism known as 'a hinge' allows the seat to be in either the up or down position - if it's up, then just put the bloody thing down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Anyone can buy condoms.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.

10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a prat and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. (To avoid yet more problems with Net Nanny and Cyber Patrol, this one had to go !!, Rodge)

20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?

21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.

23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

40. Do not question our sense of direction.

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

Rules Women Wished Men Knew


1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lard*ss," and "B*tch" are bad.

11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

14. Her cooking is excellent.

15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

16. Dish soap is your friend.

17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

21. Two words: clean socks.

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.

23. Burping is not sexy.

24. You're wrong.

25. You're sorry.

26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car
27. than you think she is.

28. Ditto for your discourse on football.

29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.

31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

34. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

35. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

36. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

37. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.

38. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

39. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

40. Always, always suck up to her brother.

41. Think boxers. Silk boxers.


42. She always makes The Rules.

43. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.


44. She is never wrong.

45. If she is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something you did or said wrong.
46. If the previous rule applies, you must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
47. She can change her mind at any given point in time.
48. She has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
49. You must remain calm at all times, unless she wants you to be angry or upset.
50. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.

51. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

52. Her haircut is never bad.

53. Don't let your friends pick on her.

54. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

OK lads, proof there that women have no idea what they want, case in point



if the rule requires change, does that not mean that the original rule was wrong, or incomplete in someway, thereby negating rule 44, and thusly the entire concept of women knowing what they want?

Ninger, i need the math formulae for this ASAP, those DSP students of yours arent up to much id say?? its only week 1

OK, can anyone else guess why ive posted this, to get a bit of heated debate going, the site has been most slow lately, except for the fantastic efforts of our Tactical And Logistical officer, Lou

_________________

Tunes of the Moment



My Amazon Wishlist

Ah but Jim, the next three rules explain your 'selective' hypothesis!!

45. If she is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something you did or said wrong.
46. If the previous rule applies, you must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
47. She can change her mind at any given point in time.

Therefore rule 44 can never be negated - it is simply a change of mind or a man's fault!! All bases are covered, game over, ball burst!!

I think the following now applies
25. You're sorry.

And the following ALWAYS applies and would negate your theory even if I couldn't explain it with 45-47

54. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

Of course there is the alternative metod of just having 1 night stands so you never have to follow the rules or better still claim to be deaf and just ignore what ever she says.

Jimmy I'm still waiting on a respones to the peanut starvation situation

_________________
'I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.'"

But DJ, the following still apply

3. Never tape any of her body parts together
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
41. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
42. She always makes The Rules.
43. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
44. She is never wrong.
45. If she is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something you did or said wrong.
46. If the previous rule applies, you must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
47. She can change her mind at any given point in time.
54. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

There is no avoiding them!! Unless of course you decide to become a celibate hermit and move to the back hole of nowhere where there is absolutely no sign of intelligent life (i.e. Willie Barron's on saturday night).
But even then, you're still wrong, you're still sorry, She still always makes The Rules, The Rules are still subject to change at any time without prior notification and she is still never wrong!

Even if you don't know who "she" is!
Nope no escape!!!!!!!!!!!

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

DJ, in answer to the peanut query, no i dont think i would.

_________________

Tunes of the Moment



My Amazon Wishlist

Lou, what if you can't read
And Jimmy I'm shocked, thought you were a man of steel

_________________
'I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.'"

DJ, The Rules do not need to be read!! They're like the 10 commandments! Some narcissistic gobshite made them up, everyone made a big deal out of them, and all of a sudden, the whole human race is expected to live by a set of laws that noone's sure where they came from, nobody has actually seen the original written down, buy everyone knows them and has the best fun breaking them!.

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

The

There we have lads, what we always thought about women.
They are never to be trusted

_________________
'I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.'"

You are aware I was talking about the men's rules for women!?
Women's rules for men even applied to Moses!! Why do think he was out in the middle of nowhere looking at a burning bush (ahem) and hearing voices from the sky telling him what to do! Some bird was obviously after doing his head in!!

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

Women and all there rules, it would matter some bit if any man could be bothered with them, but since we ignore ye anyway it doesn't make a blind bit of difference

_________________
'I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.'"

Ha ha. You'd swear I was actually even the slightest bit feminist!!!

_________________
OUCH!!!!!

gentlemen, i put forward the motion for a revolt of some sort, with our main sponsers being

Yorkie


Miller


Stella Artois


and Steak


we'll hold the protest in that golf course in dublin, the one that wont let women become full members, Portmarnock is it?

The "2005 Women, Know Your Place" Conference

DJ, your our key-note speaker, ninger, i'll expect some witty remarks, lou, can you remember how to cook steak?????

RABBBLE RABBLE RABBLE

ha ha ha

_________________

Tunes of the Moment



My Amazon Wishlist