the lads

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

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I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Despite polular belief, Chuck Norris is not actually immortal. Time merely remembers the roundhouse-kick induced bruising it got the last time it tried to lay claim to Chuck

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.. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

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Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Kurt Angle. Kurt blocked it and broke Chuck's ankle. With a broken freaking neck.

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I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel.

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- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
- There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
Norris.


- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
were no survivors.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the
8th wonder of the natural world
- Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
- There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
- Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't
find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he
stares at you blankly until you sit back down.


- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
- In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
on the hooker in "Total Recall".


- Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he
won't trade any of them for anything.
- In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
for one scene and nobody noticed.
- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
paralympics.
- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.


- If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will
appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck
Norris.


- When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
Norris isn't afraid of small children.


- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.


- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit
Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.


- It used to be called the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to
roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
- Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove
he isn't racist.

_________________
I'm not even supposed to be here today.